[courtesy of weheartit]
I had a cigarette. No, I had 3 – a couple last night, and one just now. But it doesn’t matter. I’ll pick myself back up and carry on. It’s important to tell myself I haven’t failed, it’s just a lapse in concentration but I need to recognise what has made me have a cigarette so I thought I’d record the triggers 
1. Working hard
Whenever I start to design a website or new theme I smoke lots of cigarettes. I don’t know why, I just smoke more than usual – it feels quite subconscious. It’s the same when I’m doing a big piece of work for university, the more time I spend on something the more cigarettes I have. This causes a bit of a problem… why? Because these things are what I do the most. I have a new website I need to design for somebody, and I’m scared to start in case I start craving. I had to split a huge piece of university work up into small sections, instead of doing it all in one go which I would normally do. So not smoking is time consuming – things get done a lot slower, but I suppose I need to adapt.
2. Peer pressure
I’m scared to go back to university on Wednesday – especially when it’s a 7 hour lecture which would normally have me excusing myself every hour to have a cigarette. My friends will be outside smoking, and I’ll probably join them just to give myself something to do but will I be tempted? Hell yes. It was peer pressure that made me start in the first place, and it just takes one lapse in concentration to say, “Yeah, go on then, I’ll have one” for the downward spiral to start again. I need to start storing my willpower for situations like this.
3. Stressful situations
My dad isn’t an alcoholic but he loves a drink – not everyday, just when he’s off work which is 3 days in the week normally. Just as I’m trying to quit, he has his time off work and starts drinking. Sometimes he’s fine and doesn’t drink at all, but this week he’s been drunk everyday and that was the main reason I had a cigarette yesterday. It got to the point where I was crying with frustration because I wanted a cigarette so badly – I just grabbed one to stop myself from screaming. Tomorrow I’m out all day so I won’t have to deal with him, and then on Wednesday he’s back at work so hopefully that’ll be one less trigger to deal with.
And those are my 3 main triggers – my friends have been brilliant, as has my mum. They’ve encouraged me every step of the way telling me it doesn’t matter if I have a cigarette, and that they’re proud of me which makes a huge difference. When I tried to quit before nobody knew so I was very alone and dealing with it all myself but now I have a good support network and I feel like I can just carry on 
So I may have had a few cigarettes, but it’s a challenge and I love a challenge!
I’m not the kind of person who feels bad about sharing my flaws with the rest of the world; we all have them so let’s all share and help each other out. One of my biggest flaws, if you like, is that I smoke. It started last year – I’d just started university, I was living away from home, and I was on a night out. One of my new friends took me outside and started smoking – by this time I was slightly drunk, and she offered me a cigarette. I said yes without thinking about it, y’know, just to try something new. Why I couldn’t try a new alcoholic beverage instead of this I do not know. I had one cigarette that night and that was it.
The next day I had the urge to buy some, so I popped to the local shop and bought a ten pack – it’s fine, I won’t get addicted I told myself. Oh how wrong I was. By a couple of months I was a 20 a day cigarette puffer, with a bad cough, and bad skin. I attempted to quit twice, both times ended up with me on the floor in floods of tears, scraping at the bottom of my bag to find a cigarette. It was tougher than I ever imagined so I started again. And here I am, once more, pondering about quitting for the third time. I can’t afford patches or gum – these things are more expensive than the cigarettes themselves! So it might be a cold turkey situation – oh dear god.
It frightens me to think that I won’t be able to do it – smoking, as bad as it sounds, has opened up opportunities for me. Now that you can’t smoke in bars you’re forced to go outside and mingle with people, chat to them, meet someone new. What a reason not to give up? I can’t even comprehend my logic. That is the only positive I can think right now. But the negatives clearly outweight the positives. Let’s see…
- Money! It costs about £25/week to get my fill of cigarettes – this is a ridiculous amount considering I’m a student. I can’t believe I used to have a spare £25/week to spend on things!
- Health. So here’s the thing. I’m asthmatic… and I smoke. WTF?! Why would I do this? It’s got far worse with smoking, and I often wake in the middle of the night reaching for my inhaler. I can’t exercise for long, and I used to be able to do 30 mins without stopping… now it’s about 5.
- Mentality. I always feel a bit dirty and grubby, and my mouth feels dry and icky. I smell of cigarettes which makes me feel a little bit disgusting.
But I’m scared. Scared of my surroundings – my parents smoke, a lot of my friends smoke, and this makes it that much harder to quit when I can’t get away from it. I’m scared I’ll substitute cigarettes for food when I’m trying to lose weight. But I know I have to do this. I’m 21, and it’s a good time to do it. I know the first few days are the hardest so I’m mentally preparing myself for it – I’ve hidden my cigarettes, cleared my desk of any traces, and added an air freshener to my room so I don’t smell it.
So send me some positive thoughts – I know smoking is bad, and I should never have started but I need encouragement right now
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